Someone's NOT in the kitchen with Ali (pssst, and it's Courtney): Eggplant Lasagna

Tonight we need something with substance. Something that, if you eat enough, you might have to unbutton your pants, put your feet up, and watch some of that cable tv that you're stealing. No, it's not Thanksgiving dinner, but it is full of starchiness. And golden fried discs of eggplant.

I know! You can't contain your glee. Lasagna is so good. Once, I was unable to eat lasagna. It all happened when Ali and I went to Paris. Our flight over was served by Delta (the way back was Air France, a VAST improvement), on which the in-flight meal was lasagna. It tasted like ENGINE FUEL. So, for about a year....no lasagna without the delightful undertones (though imagined) of gasoline tantalizing my tastebuds. Anyway here's our recipe we'll be working from, with of course some customized additions:

1 med. eggplant cut into very thin slices

1 tbsp. veg. oil

1/2 cup chopped onion

1 lb. mushrooms sliced (I think we had about 6-8 shroomers)

9 lasagna noodles

1 (15 1/2 oz.) jar spaghetti sauce

8 oz. part skim ricotta cheese

4 oz. shredded part skim Mozzarella cheese

3 tbsp. grated Parmesan cheese, or any blend like Parmesan/Reggiano/Asiago if you're feeling funky.

1-2 eggs

Italian breadcrumbs

So, ok. The above we'll call my rule of thumb. Melissa and I were cooking up this wonder, and we like fresh Mozzarella balls, which don't particularly shred with a shredder nicely. Use a knife to chop it into small pieces. Also add (for fun):

A container of marscapone (you can decide how much to use...we pretty much used it all.)

Fresh basil leaves, pull off stems and tear really big leaves into halves

A container of Grape tomatoes, chopped in halves

After chopping all your produce, throw on a large pot of water to boil for your pasta noodles. Then start on the eggplant. Make sure you get your pan hot to brown the eggplant and throw some oil on there. I used spray canola oil but added a little olive oil during the cooking process since they started to look a little dry. This worked nicely. Crack an egg into one dish and pour some bread crumbs in another. Then go to town with your little assembly line. Dip a slice of eggplant in the egg, then in the crumbs (press a little and get them on there...using a fork keeps your hands pretty clean), then into the fryer they go! It should be at about medium heat, as you don't want to wait around all night for them to cook, but you certainly don't want them to burn. A good idea is to use more than one pan to speed up the process since sliced eggplant takes up quite a bit of room. I like to sprinkle sea salt, black pepper and garlic powder over my slices. While you're browning these beauties, preheat your oven to 350 degrees. If you're lucky you can do all this while a friend chops the veggies, but if you're going it alone I would chop everything first.

Now you have sliced onions and mushies to cook. Make sure you have like 8,000 burners on your oven and about 12 frying pans to cook all this. No really. You may need to cook one batch of eggplant first and then switch to just using one pan for them, one for your onions, and one to keep that water boiling. Saute up the onions for a bit with some olive oil, then add the mushrooms. Mushrooms don't need to go on too long...they should get a little brown and moist looking, and the onions should look translucent. Also add some salt, pepper, and garlic powder to taste.

During all of this your water has most definitely come to a boil. Place in your lasagna noodles. They may stick out a little but that's okay. Once they start to soften up you'll be able to push them all the way into the water. Follow the instructions on the box, but they should need around ten minutes or so. As your eggplant is finishing up, take out the slices and lay them on a plate with a paper towel to soak up some of the oil from cooking them. When your pasta is done cooking you'll now be ready to assemble your lasagna apparatus.

Arrange your layers in a 11 x 7 baking dish in this order: noodles, ricotta and marscapone dollops (then smoosh around a little), mushroom mixture, Mozzarella cheese, eggplant slices, basil, sauce, tomatoes and Parmesan cheese. When you get to the second round of noodles make sure to alternate the placement. You'll have to trim them so they fit in your dish. When you get it all in sprinkle some extra Parm on top..feel free to sprinkle a little dried oregano. Then toss this baby in the oven for around 30-40 minutes.

30-40 minutes!? Now what? Your male sous chef, George, is in San Francisco, and something tells you Melissa would not be really into your striptease efforts. So press play on the movie you intend to watch during dinner (in our case, City of God, which though violent is a FANTASTIC movie).

Around 35 minutes for us we took out the lasagna. It should look a little browned on top- I'm not so sure ours did but we were really hungry. And it looked amazing! Make sure you let it sit around 10 mins to cool off a little and solidify, though if your hungry little fingers can't help but ravish this culinary beauty with a knife....that's okay. We understand these things here. Dig in!

PS. Sorry my pics are always a bit dark. The lighting in my apt. during the evening kinda sucks. It's an old building and I'm evidently still trying to get George's flash to work in collaboration with me.

Courtney: Tacos de Pescado

You love tacos. You really do. You can't understand why anyone wouldn't. You have a waning bottle of Patron, and a sous chef with sympathetic feelings and a camera. He good.

Tonight (well technically last week, but you were lazy about getting the pictures) we will be making tacos de pescado, also known as fish tacos (stop giggling, okay?). These will be relatively simple, unlike overly-decadent Tex-Mex varieties and you will need the following:

For pickled red onion and jalapeños:

1/2 a red onion (halve the whole onion lengthwise, cut thinly crosswise)

3 whole, small japapeños (sliced lengthwise into strips)

1 cup of rice vinegar (though I imagine any vinegar would do...for reasons later revealed we ended up using white wine vinegar)

3 tablespoons of fresh lime juice (I would recommend 2-3 limes)

1 tablespoon of coarse kosher salt (not recommended for direct intake without tequila + lime)

For guacamole:

2 ripe avocados (fat ones preferably, otherwise I would recommend more. In fact, historians have recently disproved that nectar and ambrosia were the food of the gods, and that instead Zeus and the rest of the Olympians actually feasted on avocados and tequila with lime.)

The other 1/2 of your red onion (diced into very small pieces or your sous chef will redo the work for you)

2 cloves of garlic (minced)

2 limes

fresh cilantro chopped (this, as well as most things I do not really measure. I add what feels right. So go ahead, do what FEELS right. I'm adamant fresh cilantro be used. Fo' real.)

salt and pepper to taste

For fish:

1 cup of buttermilk

1/4 cup chopped fresh cilantro

1 1/2 tablespoons hot pepper sauce (be careful of this around small children, pets and your orally-fixated sous chef)

1 1/2 teaspoons coarse kosher salt (divided)

1 lime

1 pound tilapia fillets (because it was on sale, but you may also use halibut, sea bass, striped bass) (cut into 1/2 inch strips)

Additional:

2 tomatoes (diced)

a package of little corn tortillas (ours had 12 inside and that was beyond plenty)

1 cup of self-rising flour (logically I would assume this means flour WITH yeast. We purchased some yeast on the side, but forgot to use it. Oops.)

Vegetable oil for frying

tequila (optional)

rum (optional)

Looza nectars (such as Banana, Passion Fruit, Mango, or all three) (optional)

clothing (VERY optional)

Pickled Onions and Jalapeños come first because they have to pickle:

DO:
Place onion and jalapeños in a heatproof medium-sized bowl.
Mix vinegar and salt in a small saucepan.
Cut your limes in quarters and juice those bitches to join their friends in the saucepan.
Bring your mixture to a boil, stirring until the salt dissolves. (This all should happen pretty quickly).
Pour over onions and jalapeños.
Let stand at room temperature at least 1 hour.
(If you'd like to make in advance, cover and refrigerate).
Drink a mixture of rum and nectar over ice while you cook.

DON'T:
Throw vinegar all over the kitchen and yourself accidentally.
Pout over spilled vinegar.

After you've showered for the second time and smell vinegar free AND have gotten over wasting the remainder of the rice vinegar on polishing the floor (and substitute it with white wine vinegar), it's time to get to mixing together your tilapia!

Tilapia town:

Mix buttermilk, cilantro, pepper sauce, and 1 teaspoon of salt in a large bowl. Juice your lime into there in the same fashion as before. Add fish fillets; toss. Cover and chill at least an hour.

INTERMISSION!!

You have an hour now. Your tilapia's a-brewin'; your onions and jalapeños are stewing in their juices. What are two chefs to do??

FIRST:
Take shots! Open wide. Insert tequila.

Get it all in there!

I recommend a lime, not an avocado.

SECOND:

So now you've done a shot, but there is still so much time left to squander. While you do a quick perusal of your closet, your sous chef should take the time to search for stripper-esque music on Pandora. Then, be sure to give your sous chef a strip show on your coffee table in a spur of the moment school girl outfit to thank him for all his hard work.

DO:
Brag that the skirt you are dancing in was purchased in high school.
Rock out in your silver pumps with red argyle heart socks on.
Have fun and put on red lipstick.
Give your sous chef a perma-grin.

DON'T:
Feel it necessary to mention that the skirt doesn't really fit you that well (the point is you can get it on and it's still below your belly button).
Forget to give you sous chef the $10-spot you owe him for your share of the supplies.

Knock over your drink. (I know, again??)

OK, approximately an hour should have gone by during all these shenanigans. You should probably return to making dinner now. What are you doing? Stop that! Well...okay...

Tilapia: the sequel:

Whisk flour and remaining 1 1/2 teaspoon of salt in a medium-sized bowl. Add enough oil to a large skillet to reach the depth of 1 inch. Heat the oil until thermometer registers 350˚F. (Your sous chef is doing this while you prepare the guacamole, so you're not really sure how long he waited for the oil to heat. Also, you don't have a thermometer as far as you can remember...hell, you don't even have a full set of measuring cups...later your sous chef informs you he's not very good at frying things. Realize you don't really care. You have rum in your non-stirring hand and it all smells awesome anyway.) Working in batches, remove fish from marinade and dredge in flour. Carefully add fish to skillet, cover partially, and fry until golden brown, turning occasionally, about 4 minutes. Transfer to paper towel lined baking sheet to drain.

Guacamole, mi amore:

So you've given your sous chef the task of frying fish because you LOVE making guacamole. I like to get the garlic chopping out of the way first. Slice each clove thinly and then let your knife walk all over those little slivers. Your knife was made for walking. I promise. Mince finely and toss into yet another medium-sized bowl (you apparently have an ARMY of these, or like me keep washing out the same 2).

Dice your remaining red onion 1/2 and throw in.

Now it's time to have your way with the avocados. Slice around the pit with your knife in a circular motion. Take each half with one hand, twist and pull apart. Marvel at how good you are at picking out avocados. Repeat with second avocado. Now for the pit.
Carefully hack your chef knife into the pit so it's in solidly, twist your knife like deadly little Miho from Sin City and pull. Discard into the trash. Repeat.

Slice your avocado halves lengthwise and crosswise into the shell so you have a checkerboard pattern when you are done. Think about Tetris for a minute as you push the avocado out of the shell from the bottom into the bowl. Reverse Tetris.

When you have all that goodness in the bowl (feel free to use a spoon to help you) coarse chop your cilantro (or more finely according to preference) and juice those limes. Grind in some pepper (I used regular ground black pepper and also fresh ground mix of many colored peppercorns) and salt to taste.

Mash with a fork, or your favorite mashing utensil. Don't be afraid to taste as you go, adding lime, salt, and pepper as needed. Take your time. Your sous chef has all that fish to make (because you are doing this while he is slaving over the stove).

I prefer my guacamole to have a lot of avocado chunks in it, instead of being really smooth like store-bought brands. Avocado is really amazing, but once I put it in my hair because I heard that was supposed to be a good thing to do. It really wasn't. My hair felt really dried out and I got slightly panicked. Technically, it makes no sense to me. Avocado oil? How was that missing from this equation? It seemed like a model avocado...

Anyway, quickly pop your tortillas into the microwave, separated by sheets of paper towels. Zap them for 30 seconds.

Voila! You are finito! Now you can take it directly to the mouth and taste it, much like this instruction manual for eating ranbutans. Following this recipe will make more than plenty for two people.