Courtney: Tacos de Pescado

You love tacos. You really do. You can't understand why anyone wouldn't. You have a waning bottle of Patron, and a sous chef with sympathetic feelings and a camera. He good.

Tonight (well technically last week, but you were lazy about getting the pictures) we will be making tacos de pescado, also known as fish tacos (stop giggling, okay?). These will be relatively simple, unlike overly-decadent Tex-Mex varieties and you will need the following:

For pickled red onion and jalapeños:

1/2 a red onion (halve the whole onion lengthwise, cut thinly crosswise)

3 whole, small japapeños (sliced lengthwise into strips)

1 cup of rice vinegar (though I imagine any vinegar would do...for reasons later revealed we ended up using white wine vinegar)

3 tablespoons of fresh lime juice (I would recommend 2-3 limes)

1 tablespoon of coarse kosher salt (not recommended for direct intake without tequila + lime)

For guacamole:

2 ripe avocados (fat ones preferably, otherwise I would recommend more. In fact, historians have recently disproved that nectar and ambrosia were the food of the gods, and that instead Zeus and the rest of the Olympians actually feasted on avocados and tequila with lime.)

The other 1/2 of your red onion (diced into very small pieces or your sous chef will redo the work for you)

2 cloves of garlic (minced)

2 limes

fresh cilantro chopped (this, as well as most things I do not really measure. I add what feels right. So go ahead, do what FEELS right. I'm adamant fresh cilantro be used. Fo' real.)

salt and pepper to taste

For fish:

1 cup of buttermilk

1/4 cup chopped fresh cilantro

1 1/2 tablespoons hot pepper sauce (be careful of this around small children, pets and your orally-fixated sous chef)

1 1/2 teaspoons coarse kosher salt (divided)

1 lime

1 pound tilapia fillets (because it was on sale, but you may also use halibut, sea bass, striped bass) (cut into 1/2 inch strips)

Additional:

2 tomatoes (diced)

a package of little corn tortillas (ours had 12 inside and that was beyond plenty)

1 cup of self-rising flour (logically I would assume this means flour WITH yeast. We purchased some yeast on the side, but forgot to use it. Oops.)

Vegetable oil for frying

tequila (optional)

rum (optional)

Looza nectars (such as Banana, Passion Fruit, Mango, or all three) (optional)

clothing (VERY optional)

Pickled Onions and Jalapeños come first because they have to pickle:

DO:
Place onion and jalapeños in a heatproof medium-sized bowl.
Mix vinegar and salt in a small saucepan.
Cut your limes in quarters and juice those bitches to join their friends in the saucepan.
Bring your mixture to a boil, stirring until the salt dissolves. (This all should happen pretty quickly).
Pour over onions and jalapeños.
Let stand at room temperature at least 1 hour.
(If you'd like to make in advance, cover and refrigerate).
Drink a mixture of rum and nectar over ice while you cook.

DON'T:
Throw vinegar all over the kitchen and yourself accidentally.
Pout over spilled vinegar.

After you've showered for the second time and smell vinegar free AND have gotten over wasting the remainder of the rice vinegar on polishing the floor (and substitute it with white wine vinegar), it's time to get to mixing together your tilapia!

Tilapia town:

Mix buttermilk, cilantro, pepper sauce, and 1 teaspoon of salt in a large bowl. Juice your lime into there in the same fashion as before. Add fish fillets; toss. Cover and chill at least an hour.

INTERMISSION!!

You have an hour now. Your tilapia's a-brewin'; your onions and jalapeños are stewing in their juices. What are two chefs to do??

FIRST:
Take shots! Open wide. Insert tequila.

Get it all in there!

I recommend a lime, not an avocado.

SECOND:

So now you've done a shot, but there is still so much time left to squander. While you do a quick perusal of your closet, your sous chef should take the time to search for stripper-esque music on Pandora. Then, be sure to give your sous chef a strip show on your coffee table in a spur of the moment school girl outfit to thank him for all his hard work.

DO:
Brag that the skirt you are dancing in was purchased in high school.
Rock out in your silver pumps with red argyle heart socks on.
Have fun and put on red lipstick.
Give your sous chef a perma-grin.

DON'T:
Feel it necessary to mention that the skirt doesn't really fit you that well (the point is you can get it on and it's still below your belly button).
Forget to give you sous chef the $10-spot you owe him for your share of the supplies.

Knock over your drink. (I know, again??)

OK, approximately an hour should have gone by during all these shenanigans. You should probably return to making dinner now. What are you doing? Stop that! Well...okay...

Tilapia: the sequel:

Whisk flour and remaining 1 1/2 teaspoon of salt in a medium-sized bowl. Add enough oil to a large skillet to reach the depth of 1 inch. Heat the oil until thermometer registers 350˚F. (Your sous chef is doing this while you prepare the guacamole, so you're not really sure how long he waited for the oil to heat. Also, you don't have a thermometer as far as you can remember...hell, you don't even have a full set of measuring cups...later your sous chef informs you he's not very good at frying things. Realize you don't really care. You have rum in your non-stirring hand and it all smells awesome anyway.) Working in batches, remove fish from marinade and dredge in flour. Carefully add fish to skillet, cover partially, and fry until golden brown, turning occasionally, about 4 minutes. Transfer to paper towel lined baking sheet to drain.

Guacamole, mi amore:

So you've given your sous chef the task of frying fish because you LOVE making guacamole. I like to get the garlic chopping out of the way first. Slice each clove thinly and then let your knife walk all over those little slivers. Your knife was made for walking. I promise. Mince finely and toss into yet another medium-sized bowl (you apparently have an ARMY of these, or like me keep washing out the same 2).

Dice your remaining red onion 1/2 and throw in.

Now it's time to have your way with the avocados. Slice around the pit with your knife in a circular motion. Take each half with one hand, twist and pull apart. Marvel at how good you are at picking out avocados. Repeat with second avocado. Now for the pit.
Carefully hack your chef knife into the pit so it's in solidly, twist your knife like deadly little Miho from Sin City and pull. Discard into the trash. Repeat.

Slice your avocado halves lengthwise and crosswise into the shell so you have a checkerboard pattern when you are done. Think about Tetris for a minute as you push the avocado out of the shell from the bottom into the bowl. Reverse Tetris.

When you have all that goodness in the bowl (feel free to use a spoon to help you) coarse chop your cilantro (or more finely according to preference) and juice those limes. Grind in some pepper (I used regular ground black pepper and also fresh ground mix of many colored peppercorns) and salt to taste.

Mash with a fork, or your favorite mashing utensil. Don't be afraid to taste as you go, adding lime, salt, and pepper as needed. Take your time. Your sous chef has all that fish to make (because you are doing this while he is slaving over the stove).

I prefer my guacamole to have a lot of avocado chunks in it, instead of being really smooth like store-bought brands. Avocado is really amazing, but once I put it in my hair because I heard that was supposed to be a good thing to do. It really wasn't. My hair felt really dried out and I got slightly panicked. Technically, it makes no sense to me. Avocado oil? How was that missing from this equation? It seemed like a model avocado...

Anyway, quickly pop your tortillas into the microwave, separated by sheets of paper towels. Zap them for 30 seconds.

Voila! You are finito! Now you can take it directly to the mouth and taste it, much like this instruction manual for eating ranbutans. Following this recipe will make more than plenty for two people.